Doubting My Roots

I was never one of those girls who rebelled against Judaism. I grew up in an accepting home, always tried to what was right (most of the time), always believed Hashem took care of us.

Now, in my high twenties, going through a messy divorce, though it hurts to admit, I have doubts. I struggled to grab onto all the emunah and bitachon my heart can handle. I've done all the hishtadlus I thought I can do. I've spoken to Rabbonim, attended Shiurim, cried tears into my siddur....and for what?

Orthodox Judaism -- a beautiful heritage. Yet, it seems backwards to me. Why is it that a man who has caused me a countless amount of suffering, has power over me? How can it be that no Rav, though they know he is wrong, can override the fact that he won't let me free? Why is it that I feel like I'm more imprisoned now, then I ever was throughout many unhappy years of marriage?

HOW is this allowed? Nobody seems to have this answer. All the Rabbonim, all the Chashuv people, all those with long beards who learn all day.... what's the answer? So it's OKAY for me to be held hostage? It's OKAY for me to silently beg him to just let me free? It's OKAY for someone to torture another human being, and then throw salt on that open wound? It's OKAY for me not to be worthy of a life of happiness? A loving husband? A family?

Is this really what Orthodox Judaism is all about?

Comment From The Source

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I decided to throw my own comment in here because I see that my most recent post has caused a little bit of confusion.Unfortunately, it wasn't referring to a friend, or my ex... but does refer to someone who has caused me pain on top of pain, without meaning to. I like to say it's kind of like pouring salt on an open wound. All of your chizuk and advice has meant a lot to me, and I thank you for that. Unfortunately, when a person is in such emotional pain, it's hard to see a way out. It's hard to believe things will turn around when you look around and see those who are happily married, pushing their strollers, sharing shabbos meals with their children. It just makes me wonder why I wasn't deserving of that.

How Did I Lose My Chance With You?

Remember when, we called each other
You made me laugh more than a sister or brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
What can I do, to make you mine?
I'm falling so hard..so fast, this time.

What did I say, what did you do?
How did I lose my chance with you?

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
But I don't want to be,
Alone

I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Because I just want you to know...

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I lose,
my chance,
with you?

Cheryl's Story

I added a new link today called Cheryl's story. I felt it would be appropriate to post her page on my blog. Cheryl is a dear friend of my mom's and has gone through so much over the last few years. Her husband keeps her webpage up to date in the form of a journal. It is beautiful, yet heartbreaking. She is one person who truly believes life is a challenge and not a crisis. Her disposition remains upbeat and I think she, as well as the rest of her family, are incredible people. Hope you have a chance to read and be inspired.

~ Psyched

The Tightrope

There’s a tightrope, not sturdy at all
Just one slip and one may fall
Balancing poles don’t help that much
The rope is so fine; they are hard to clutch

Carefully she walks; every step so cautious
One step out of place will make me feel nauseous
Because, you see, the tightrope is the finest line there is
I don’t think there are many who can play it like a whiz

But there are those select few
Who know what to do
Perhaps a special being
Who is talented at seeing

Who can speak without pity, yet fail to ignore,
Not ask stupid questions or seem like a bore,
Validate my feelings, not disregard reality,
One who makes decisions using pure morality.

To hurt, she never does intend
She never fails to comprehend
The relationship indeed is far from pretend
And she’d never, ever, EVER offend

That is,
Because,
She is my friend.

Would You Make A Shidduch With Someone From The Torah?

Well, let's see.....

There's....

Avrohom Avinu: He seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind...next.

Yitzchak Avinu: Well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and is half brother is an Arab.

Yaakov Avinu: His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very traif family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married. Oh, and he spent a lot of time with his uncle, who's a rasha.

Yosef HaTzaddik: His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him, must be something in that and with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu...better not to.

Moshe Rabbeinu: His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim...not our kind for sure. He may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic, we wouldn't want him in OUR family!

Calev's descendants: We don't want to marry into that family. Enough said.

Dovid HaMelech: Descendants from a Geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with more 'Jewish' background?

Shlomo HaMelech: See above, all his mother's marriage was very dubious, he is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.

So what does this seem like to you all? IMHO? Seems like we all need a kick in the butt, people.

Struggle Of The Day

Ever feel like you made a mistake but don't feel bad for it? Ever feel like you lost your morals because you can't control yourself anymore? What if you can't remember what is right and what is wrong just because you feel like your life is to hard to take?

I'm not asking for much; just happiness. When will the pain stop? When will the tears cease to flow? I don't even care about him; just what he is doing to me. How much torture..how much more will I have to endure? When will I be left alone? When will G-d say, "now you can move on, it's okay. Now I will grant you happiness."

I can't stand the pain anymore. I feel like it's never going to go away.

Next Time Will Be Different...

Love…like a road that never ends
How it leads me back again….to heartache
Ill never understand.
I put my heart up on a shelf
till the moment was right, and I told myself…

Next time I fall in love,
Ill know better what to do.
The next time I fall in love...
It will be with you.
…you
…..whoever you are.

Even Though YOU Don't Think So.....Others DO!

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who doesn’t even know me personally. What she said put tears in my eyes. Please, readers, don’t think I’m trying to brag here. That isn’t it at ALL. I’m so far from perfect. But what she said really validated my feelings and I want to remember this conversation whenever I feel hatred around me for no reason at all. I have to remember that someone said this about me…someone who never even met me before.


”Think of the love you give the children you work with, don't let the anger push that away - it is too precious. I know a different part of you that others don't know. I know how even though it is hard and you are struggling, you aren't giving up. I know the love and devotion you feel for those you work with. I know how strong you are becoming (you can't see it yet ;) ) and I know that you are more sensitive to others…
I know now how much you are working on yourself…
I know how much you care…
I know how much you don't want the arguments and want a peaceful existence.”

Not Worth My Tears!

Living here without you is not an easy way of life (only because of the torment you are causing me now)

I spend my time without you; I try to make it all worthwhile (it is)

Standing in a rainfall coming down from the sky

Why should I cry over you?

I keep on thinking about you (and all the pain)

I've got no private pride to hide

I've built my world around you (but I’ve rebuilt a new and better one)

Like a call without reply

My love has lost direction; she's got the sun in her eyes (but one day I will..I will trust again)

Why should I cry over you?

I’m living without you.

- Roxette

Mr Ex, I’m living without you, and I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s GREAT! :D

The Eyes

I can't explain it, but it's a look. A look of pity. As if to say, "aww, I'm so sorry for you..." or "nebach...how sad."

Why would that make someone feel good??

Question: Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle it? It's such a horrible feeling, and I dread it. I'm almost afraid to meet certain people in the street because I hate the way they make me feel about myself. Being confident and knowing I did nothing wrong should be enough. Having so many people who love me should suffice.

...How come it doesn't?

***THANKS to a special someone (you know who you are) who gave me a pep talk before my cousin's wedding tonight. You saved the day :)

Voicemail Messages

I listened to my voicemail today, and these were some of the messages I had saved. I decided I needed to put them on my blog, with my interpretations right below. Whenever I'm feeling down, I must remember that although I no longer matter to one measly person, I matter so much to so many others, and THAT'S what really matters most.

_________________________________________________



“Hi, it’s Jane from the psychology department. I’m just calling per Dr. Thompson’s request; we want to make sure you are coming to the awards and hooding ceremony tomorrow night because you are going to be receiving an award. Please call us back.”

I’m worthy. I’m not stupid; I’m smart. I’m receiving the department award!

“It’s Sarah; I’m trying to get hold of you…”

Wow, she’s thinking of me. I matter.

“Hey, it’s Yoseph. I’m just calling to say hello, see how you’re doing…”

So nice; he cares.

“Hi, it’s Andrea. I’m so worried about you and I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot but I don’t want to call every second because I know you’re going through so much and I want to give you some space. Just know I’m thinking of you and please call me because I want to get together. Hope you’re okay.”

She cares so much. I mean something to her. What a loyal friend.

“Giiiirl!!! You better call me, it’s crazy what’s going on with you!! I’m on my way to school, but I’m waiting for your call. You have me worried. Talk to you soon.”

What a solid friend. She is waiting for my call; she needs to know I’m okay. She cares so much!

“It’s Devora. I’m just calling to say hello; I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to call me back, just know I’m here for you.”

Wow, she doesn’t even need me to call her; she’s just letting me know I am in her thoughts. How special.

“You can’t send me a text message like that and not answer when I call. Please; listen to this message. Call me back. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to you.”

Reminds me of a time when I was hurting so badly, way at the beginning, and I wondered what the purpose was for living. ‘Why is this life worth living?’ I’d wonder. This message reminds me that so many people care for me, and that I am so much better off now than I was back then. I’m so lucky.

“It’s Dr. Stone. I am concerned about you and want to make sure you are doing okay. Please call me so we can catch up.

I’m so lucky. Even my professor cares and wants to make sure I’m okay. How many professors in college call their students like that? Why would I ever think I’m not worth anything? Look how much I am worth…
____________________________________________________
These are just a few of the people who care for me. I am fortunate to have such loyal family and friends. Most importantly, they know me for me; nothing anyone else says will matter. “Whoever knows you,” they say, “loves you.”

From The Bottom Of My Heart...I Thank You.

To all of those who have been commenting on my blog....this one is for you:

Words cannot express my gratitude towards you,
This post, truly, is long overdue.

I am going through such hell; it’s so hard to endure,
If only there was some medicine to remove it; it’d be the magic cure.

Of course though, there is not, and I must keep chugging along
But knowing you care, and reading your posts, helps to keep me strong.

I doubt you even realize just what you do for me,
For you are merely complete strangers, reading a story!

Yet one thing I have learned, and this is known to be true
“Mi Ki’amcha Yisroel” – there is no one like the Jew.

Hashem should grant each one of you whatever you may need,
Health, happiness, the right zivug; at EVERYTHING you should succeed!

I honestly wish there was more I can say or do…
But please just know…that from the bottom of my heart…I thank you.

The Last Straw

Like a sharp blow
my rights were violated
one too many times.

A punch
in my stomach
A thump; it hurts.

Choking…
I feel like I’m choking…
I’m scared…
Gasping…
For…
Air…

The Downward Spiral

I smile…I laugh…I feel good…
I’m with my friends...I’m at work...I’m at school…
I’m confident…I’m poised…I’m secure….

But then….
Some stupid rumor…
Torment…
Hurt…
Anguish…
Misery…
Agony…
Suffering…

All it takes is just one thing…
just one thing..and then I’m falling…

down….

d
o
w
n…

d

o

w

n

into a downward spiral.

GIVE IT BACK!

G-d gave me a gift…
I’ve been using it for years.
From the time I was seven,
It’s been a way for me to switch gears.

For you see, when my hands hit the keys,
I entered a new place
I escaped from a scary world,
With such smiles on my face.

My hands would take over;
My heart would beat fast
So grateful; look what I can do!
Always, was there room to surpass…

Then we married,
I moved away,
No longer on those precious keys
Were my hands able to play.

I begged for years,
I needed it in my life
“Please” I would beg,
It was the only thing to get me through strife.

Then, it finally happened
On my graduation day;
I walked into the house…
“Happy graduation” I heard you say.

I burst into tears,
Into your arms I fell;
I grabbed you so tight,
My feelings began to swell.

But now. Look what you did.
You took it away, just to hurt.
You didn’t even care
How much torment you’d exert.

I WANT IT BACK.
Why won’t you give it to me?
Wasn’t it a gift?
For completing my degree?

I WANT IT BACK.
All you are is cruel
You knew what would get to me.
…you’re asking for this duel.

SMILE

I’ve been meaning to write this story for a while now; it occurred over succos.

Unfortunately, as you can all tell from my last few posts, I’ve been in pessimistic mode. (Embarrassing to admit, but it's obvious). :(

I do struggle with this daily. Is the cup half full, or is it half empty?

About one month ago, while at my parents in another state for Y”T, I was awfully stressed. It was weird to be home after almost six years of marriage, somehow feeling treated like I was a teenager once again. How does one deal with this? For six years, whatever decision I made was respected, and all the sudden, going through a divorce, I can be told what to do, when to do it, and how? I know my family loves and cares for me, but…….it’s still hard.

One day of Chol Ha’moed I hibernated in my room and turned on the music. Ironically, earlier that day I had gone with my family to do Tashlich, and although I felt a rush afterwards, coming home to absolutely nothing brought me right back down. I lay in bed for hours with the music playing, ignoring every family member’s attempts to cheer me up, get me to come down, or even answer their calls.

At one point, I heard the doorknob jiggle. “Go away.” I said.

No answer; just another rattling of the doorknob.

Frustrated, I got out of bed, and opened the door. As I was opening it, I started saying “I told you all to leave me alone……” but I stopped talking when I saw who was sitting on the floor, right outside my bedroom: my younger sister with down syndrome; my inspiration in life; the one person I look up to the most.

Immediately, I felt bad for being mean. But I didn’t say anything; I just stared at her, and she stared back with loving eyes. I left the door open, and went back to my bed. She got up and followed me, not uttering one single word.

I sat in silence; she stood in silence.

Then I noticed she had one hand behind her back. She reached forward, and placed her hand on my heart. I put my hand on hers, as we continued to stare at each other in silence. Then, she leaned forward, kissed my cheek, and walked out.

It was only after she left that I noticed…stuck to my chest was a sticker that said, “SMILE.”

I felt the tears form in my eyes, but immediately told myself to stop. She wanted me to smile, not cry. It was the least I could do for her.

That sticker is now stuck to my nightstand, and every morning, it’s one of the first things I see when I wake up. It makes me remember what a special sister I have, how much she means to me, but most of all, her one simple request: to SMILE.

The Story Of My Life

A good day comes,
But a bad day follows;
It is the story of my life.

I smile for a moment,
Then cry for an hour;
It is the story of my life.

I thank G-d for making things easy,
Then I realize just how hard they truly are;
It is the story of my life.

I close my eyes as a tear escapes,
And I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again;
It is the story of my life.

I wonder why so much bad
Happens to someone so good;
It is the story of my life.

The sun shines and I smile,
Then the sun sets and I get sad;
It is the story of my life.

I have so much to be thankful for,
But sometimes it’s so hard to remember;
It is the story of my life.

If only I could flip the pages,
Skip all the suffering,
And know that happy times are near.

I Used To Be Me

I used to be someone carefree;
I used to be me.

I look in the mirror and trace
The reflection that stares me back in the face.
So many would agree;
I used to be me.

When I was a little girl
Mommy told me I was a precious “pearl”
I would constantly smile with glee;
I used to be me.

Then one day I was thrilled,
Never felt so fulfilled.
With love greater than the sea,
He got down on one knee.
I guarantee;
I used to be me.

Beaming in pride,
I was a beautiful bride.

..But then I was denied
And he constantly lied
I tried and I tried
And I frequently cried
But this only made him cease to provide.
Sooner than later, the love did subside.

Now alone I reside
I feel empty inside.
And I only pray: God, give me the key;
To be me.

Lonely, But Not Alone

Sometimes I feel alone,
Secluded in my thoughts and heart
While there are people all around me;
But I’ve learned to play the part.

Sometimes I feel so forlorn,
Although my face does sport a grin.
The tears well up inside me,
And stay stuck beneath my skin.

Sometimes I feel so empty
When my life’s so full of tasks.
The day’s so rushed – it beckons me
To unveil my shallow mask.

So next time you pass me on the street
And I look so full of pride,
Remember: my alive and happy face
May be hiding a cheerless inside

- AF

Well, Which Is It?

Throughout my life I've toyed with this phrase -- is it a crisis, or is it a challenge? Does it depend on the situation? The circumstances? The person? The environment? One's background? One's temperament? Or solely one's attitude?

Within the last year, especially, I have been faced with many crises.. or should I say challenges? I had two choices; stay afloat, or sink. I opted for choice #1. While at times I was sure I would sink, I didn't.

I created this blog for the purpose of analyzing these issues. Let it be a place to vent, laugh, cry, get inspired, you name it. I'll share stories and feel free to share your own.

Bottom line is, we don't know what life brings our way. What matters is how we perceive things. I often have trouble thinking challenge, rather than crisis... but maybe this blog will help. After all, it's all in the attitude.