Doubting My Roots

I was never one of those girls who rebelled against Judaism. I grew up in an accepting home, always tried to what was right (most of the time), always believed Hashem took care of us.

Now, in my high twenties, going through a messy divorce, though it hurts to admit, I have doubts. I struggled to grab onto all the emunah and bitachon my heart can handle. I've done all the hishtadlus I thought I can do. I've spoken to Rabbonim, attended Shiurim, cried tears into my siddur....and for what?

Orthodox Judaism -- a beautiful heritage. Yet, it seems backwards to me. Why is it that a man who has caused me a countless amount of suffering, has power over me? How can it be that no Rav, though they know he is wrong, can override the fact that he won't let me free? Why is it that I feel like I'm more imprisoned now, then I ever was throughout many unhappy years of marriage?

HOW is this allowed? Nobody seems to have this answer. All the Rabbonim, all the Chashuv people, all those with long beards who learn all day.... what's the answer? So it's OKAY for me to be held hostage? It's OKAY for me to silently beg him to just let me free? It's OKAY for someone to torture another human being, and then throw salt on that open wound? It's OKAY for me not to be worthy of a life of happiness? A loving husband? A family?

Is this really what Orthodox Judaism is all about?

Comment From The Source

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I decided to throw my own comment in here because I see that my most recent post has caused a little bit of confusion.Unfortunately, it wasn't referring to a friend, or my ex... but does refer to someone who has caused me pain on top of pain, without meaning to. I like to say it's kind of like pouring salt on an open wound. All of your chizuk and advice has meant a lot to me, and I thank you for that. Unfortunately, when a person is in such emotional pain, it's hard to see a way out. It's hard to believe things will turn around when you look around and see those who are happily married, pushing their strollers, sharing shabbos meals with their children. It just makes me wonder why I wasn't deserving of that.

How Did I Lose My Chance With You?

Remember when, we called each other
You made me laugh more than a sister or brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
What can I do, to make you mine?
I'm falling so hard..so fast, this time.

What did I say, what did you do?
How did I lose my chance with you?

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
But I don't want to be,
Alone

I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Because I just want you to know...

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I lose,
my chance,
with you?

Cheryl's Story

I added a new link today called Cheryl's story. I felt it would be appropriate to post her page on my blog. Cheryl is a dear friend of my mom's and has gone through so much over the last few years. Her husband keeps her webpage up to date in the form of a journal. It is beautiful, yet heartbreaking. She is one person who truly believes life is a challenge and not a crisis. Her disposition remains upbeat and I think she, as well as the rest of her family, are incredible people. Hope you have a chance to read and be inspired.

~ Psyched

The Tightrope

There’s a tightrope, not sturdy at all
Just one slip and one may fall
Balancing poles don’t help that much
The rope is so fine; they are hard to clutch

Carefully she walks; every step so cautious
One step out of place will make me feel nauseous
Because, you see, the tightrope is the finest line there is
I don’t think there are many who can play it like a whiz

But there are those select few
Who know what to do
Perhaps a special being
Who is talented at seeing

Who can speak without pity, yet fail to ignore,
Not ask stupid questions or seem like a bore,
Validate my feelings, not disregard reality,
One who makes decisions using pure morality.

To hurt, she never does intend
She never fails to comprehend
The relationship indeed is far from pretend
And she’d never, ever, EVER offend

That is,
Because,
She is my friend.