The Night Before...And Then It Was Over.

I sat down, got up, walked around, and sat down again. Could it really be happening? It seemed so surreal. I lay in bed and my thoughts overcame me. Feelings flooded my mind. Guilt. Sorrow. Sadness. Relief. Fear of the unknown. I got up, walked around again, then got back into bed. I knew it was going to be a long night.

Crazy dreams...my nerves woke me up every hour. Then finally, at 8:00 in the morning, I jumped out of bed. My heart was pounding. Hashem had finally answered my tefillos. It took me extra long to daven this morning. I made sure to say every word carefully, and out loud. I needed to make it known that I was grateful to Hashem for getting me until this point, and prayed He would get me through the emotional event that would take place in the afternoon.

I arrived with my father, shaking, yet confident. Happy, yet sad. Excited, yet depressed. As I held my hands out for my ex husband to place the "get" inside them, I looked at him in the eye. He became emotional and it seemed difficult for him to meet my eyes in return.

No other words were exchanged. I shakily walked back into the waiting room with my father, who gave me a hug and a kiss when we arrived. "Mazel Tov" he told me, with a shaky voice and a tearstained face.

And then I cried.

Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of greatfulness. Tears of sorrow and worry. As I hugged my father I recited the words of tehillim beginning with "shir la'maalos ma'ayin yavo ezri.." I prayed for Hashem to guide me as my new life was about to begin.

A new life. A new start. After so much pain and suffering, I still have mixed feelings. I am relieved, yet sad. Sad that all the good times got washed away with the bad. Sad that it all had to happen to me. Yet, it did, and I will never know why.