Get Through The Day...

Get through the day...get through the day...all I have to do is get through the day. Easier said than done, of course. But perhaps if I keep telling myself it'll be okay, it will. Get through the day, get through the day, all I have to do is get through the day.

Get through the day, so that when it's over, I can crawl into my bed...and just cry.

From Everything To Nothing

I've lived, and I've lost. My memories have jumbled into a cloud of sadness. While I try and maintain happiness, it always seems to be taken away. The last month I was happy. Really happy! Like, really REALLY happy! And now it's gone. I think I need to just start expecting these things to happen. It's all that I know.

Never Say Never

"No matter what," she said, "No one will ever love you like me."

"I'll never hurt you," he said.

"I'll never leave you," he said.

"We'll always help you," they said.

"You know we love you," they said.

"We'll never forget about you," they said.

"We'll never stop being there," they said.


But they were wrong. My ex-husband hurt me. He left me. My friends and family didn't always help. My ex-husband's family didn't love me. My friends forgot about me. They stopped being there.

She was the only one who kept her word. She told me this before I got married. I was infatuated with my ex-husband and I didn't believe her. But she was right. No one will ever love me like her.

That person is my mother.

Rejection

Rejection is the worst feeling in the world. I know, because I feel it on a regular basis.

I've never felt good enough for anything.

I couldn't even keep a marriage together.

I'm not good enough at work. It's more fun to push me around. I think they enjoy it.

Basically, I mean nothing. You'd think after all this time, I'd be immune to it all.

But I'm not.

It still hurts.

Badly.

All the time.

Now, I can't even date.

Will

it

ever

end?

Thanks To All, And A Whole Bunch Of Apples

To all my loyal readers:

I am sorry for not posting in a while. I am without a computer for the time being (needs to be hooked up after a move). I can't tell you all how many times I've wanted/needed/desperately wished I could blog but did not have the means to.

I have a few minutes now, and wanted to just thank you all for your emails, cares, concerns, and loyalty in keeping up to date with my blog. It means a lot to me.

Here's my thought of the day:

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along.... the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Have You Ever. . . . .

Have you ever wanted something so badly, it made your head spin...
... your bones ache,
... your heart hurt?

Have you ever missed someone so much, it made your stomach twist...
... your heart pound,
... your tears flow?

Have you ever felt so out of place, it made your pulse race...
... your mouth get dry,
... your eyes water?

Have you ever not understood why things happen so much, that it makes you want to scream?
... cry?
... hibernate?

Have you ever cared about something so much on one hand...
... yet on the other, not cared at all?

Have you ever wished? Wished so hard? Wished hard enough, that it made you....
feel...
so...
weak?

I'm Not Brave, I Just Don't Have A Choice

Thrust into a world unknown,
I embrace is with only half a heart.
I am happier with my new life,
Yet it was hard to leave the old and just depart.

Everything taken away from me,
The things left are ‘the ones that matter’
How I wish I could believe that,
How I wish the others didn’t scatter.

I want to forget the bad times
I want to move on and make the smiles real,
It’s such a long process ahead
Can’t I just snap my fingers and heal?

Lost so much, moved so many times,
Which place is home?
I thought I had it all,
Now I am just…alone.

Moving again, a new state
New job, new home, new life….
I hate change. I hate this.
I want to be somebody’s wife.

Brave, you say? Not quite.
“Not even close,” says a voice.
Moving from one place to another?
Big deal – I just don’t have a choice.

The voice is mine, of course.
Who else would it be?
I’m just doing what I have to.
You don’t agree?

I want to be happy,
I want to be free.
I just HAVE to do this…
Don’t you see?

I'm not brave -- I'm scared.
There, I said it.

Dreaming Of Closure

Last night I had a dream; they were all there. His mother, his father, his sisters, his brothers, their husbands and wives, even some nieces and nephews. I chased my ex around the room trying to get one word in edgewise. Ironically, that is what most of my marriage entailed. The truth is, my ex was never a husband. But I discovered that I wasn't as mad as him as I was at his family. Aside from the terrible things they did to me, items they stole, comments they made, rumors they spread... why was I treated as if I was some sort of criminal? Why did everyone drop me like a hot potato the minute we separated? Why didn't anyone see how terrible I was treated; how abused I was; what a good person I have always tried to be? Why did I feel like this was MY fault?

I yelled at his mother. "How dare you say you know we love you the last time you saw me. How dare you even shed one tear? How could you even take my hand and act like you care. Why is your family just one big lump of lies??" The rest of the family shook their heads in disagreement. They all rolled their eyes. His father stood up, big beard and all, and started cursing me out. Then they closed the doors on me. "NO!" I screamed. "You have to listen to me, you have to believe me, you can't keep acting like animals!" But the sliding doors closed in my face, and I was once again, left alone. I heard whispering, I heard laughing.

Then the doors opened. They all moved out of the way and his grandmother -- the only one I ever really loved from the family -- came into view. She looked regal; I thought I saw a faint smile together with the tears that escaped her eyes. I ran over to her, calling her name. At least her love had to be real. I prayed that it was. I studied the look on her face. "Please Hashem," I silently prayed. "I just want the world to know the truth. I want them to fess up."

But that never happened. I woke up in a sweat. My heart was beating fast. Then the truth sunk in: I will probably never get that. Nothing even remotely close to it.

Back In The Scene

Okay, so it's official. I'm back there. Dating - UGGGGHHHHH.

How do you guys do it? Only 3 guys, and I'm turned off already! Advice PLEASE.

I Miss My Harry Potter DVD's

Okay, so that may sound strange. But it's true. The other day I wanted to watch Harry Potter and I couldn't. Okay okay, so I may be a Harry Potter fanatic. And I may have seen the movies one too many times. But so what? I wanted to watch it, and I couldn't. So I figured, okay, I'll watch something else instead. Oh, but I couldn't do that either. Whoever has my DVD's....I hope you're enjoying them but not good that you stole. Not good at all. Sorry, fellow readers. I know I haven't posted in a while. And sorry for posting about something as dumb as Harry Potter but hey - it was on my mind tonight.

Sad Update

With tearstained eyes, and though I despise sharing bad news, I am forced to inform you all that unfortunately my mom's friend lost her battle to cancer just two days ago. Anyone that was saying Tehillim for her is so appreciated. Whoever even took the time to read her blog means the world to all those who knew her. She was an incredible person who fought till the very end, and I like to believe she is in a much better place now, no more suffering, no more pain.

Cheryl knew I was going through a divorce, but unfortunately she passed away before we could tell her the good news that it was over. I realize, though, that she knows it now. She knows it all.

May we all only share good news, now and forever.

~ Psyched

It Shouldn't Matter When....

My heart was beating; my nerves were shot
My stuff was finally coming – I’ve waited a whole lot.
Almost 7 months later, I couldn’t wait
After so much unnecessary and constant debate.
I couldn’t wait to see my things again,
The boxes finally arrived, but then…

Empty shoeboxes, crushed dishes,
Crumpled paper towels, shattered wishes.
Dusty Tupperware, meaningless things
Wondered how I ever wore those rings.
None of the things I wanted were there,
Not one item of silver or crystal – how unfair.

I will never see my Grandmother’s dishes again,
I will never hold my silver lighter in my hands when I light candles.
I will never be able to put money into the tzedakah box from my friends.
I will never be able to look at the beautiful things I once had.

The list can continue but why bother?
It shouldn’t matter when I have my mother and father.
It shouldn’t matter when I have my sisters and brothers,
My grandparents, aunts, uncles and so many others.
Cousins, friends, people who love me,
Those who are happy that he set me free.

For it’s the things that matter, the ones that will remain.
Those who have been there for me throughout all of my pain.
Items will always come and go,
But at the end of the day…..I have more to show.

The Night Before...And Then It Was Over.

I sat down, got up, walked around, and sat down again. Could it really be happening? It seemed so surreal. I lay in bed and my thoughts overcame me. Feelings flooded my mind. Guilt. Sorrow. Sadness. Relief. Fear of the unknown. I got up, walked around again, then got back into bed. I knew it was going to be a long night.

Crazy dreams...my nerves woke me up every hour. Then finally, at 8:00 in the morning, I jumped out of bed. My heart was pounding. Hashem had finally answered my tefillos. It took me extra long to daven this morning. I made sure to say every word carefully, and out loud. I needed to make it known that I was grateful to Hashem for getting me until this point, and prayed He would get me through the emotional event that would take place in the afternoon.

I arrived with my father, shaking, yet confident. Happy, yet sad. Excited, yet depressed. As I held my hands out for my ex husband to place the "get" inside them, I looked at him in the eye. He became emotional and it seemed difficult for him to meet my eyes in return.

No other words were exchanged. I shakily walked back into the waiting room with my father, who gave me a hug and a kiss when we arrived. "Mazel Tov" he told me, with a shaky voice and a tearstained face.

And then I cried.

Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of greatfulness. Tears of sorrow and worry. As I hugged my father I recited the words of tehillim beginning with "shir la'maalos ma'ayin yavo ezri.." I prayed for Hashem to guide me as my new life was about to begin.

A new life. A new start. After so much pain and suffering, I still have mixed feelings. I am relieved, yet sad. Sad that all the good times got washed away with the bad. Sad that it all had to happen to me. Yet, it did, and I will never know why.