I sat down, got up, walked around, and sat down again. Could it really be happening? It seemed so surreal. I lay in bed and my thoughts overcame me. Feelings flooded my mind. Guilt. Sorrow. Sadness. Relief. Fear of the unknown. I got up, walked around again, then got back into bed. I knew it was going to be a long night.
Crazy dreams...my nerves woke me up every hour. Then finally, at 8:00 in the morning, I jumped out of bed. My heart was pounding. Hashem had finally answered my tefillos. It took me extra long to daven this morning. I made sure to say every word carefully, and out loud. I needed to make it known that I was grateful to Hashem for getting me until this point, and prayed He would get me through the emotional event that would take place in the afternoon.
I arrived with my father, shaking, yet confident. Happy, yet sad. Excited, yet depressed. As I held my hands out for my ex husband to place the "get" inside them, I looked at him in the eye. He became emotional and it seemed difficult for him to meet my eyes in return.
No other words were exchanged. I shakily walked back into the waiting room with my father, who gave me a hug and a kiss when we arrived. "Mazel Tov" he told me, with a shaky voice and a tearstained face.
And then I cried.
Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of greatfulness. Tears of sorrow and worry. As I hugged my father I recited the words of tehillim beginning with "shir la'maalos ma'ayin yavo ezri.." I prayed for Hashem to guide me as my new life was about to begin.
A new life. A new start. After so much pain and suffering, I still have mixed feelings. I am relieved, yet sad. Sad that all the good times got washed away with the bad. Sad that it all had to happen to me. Yet, it did, and I will never know why.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Psyched, I am so...relieved to hear this. My mind couldn't confront the sadness of your last post...and I am so happy (wrong word) to hear it's over. It's not the end....it's just the beginning. You seem to be an awesome person, and IYH you'll start a new life now, one in which you're stronger and better for what you've gone through.
Wow Pysched..I understand your mixed feelings. In a way the get signifies finality and on the other hand freedom to move on and start over. I give you a bracha that the right one, the man that will bring you total and complete happiness, that will erase away the pain of today, should come by very soon and it should be clear to both of you from the start that you are meant for each other. Thanks for sharing the "good news" with us.
Words cannot express what I'm feeling for you right now.
Mazal tov.
And hatzlacha rabba--may you go me'chayil el chayil.
(((HUGS)))
Post a Comment