I'm Not Brave, I Just Don't Have A Choice

Thrust into a world unknown,
I embrace is with only half a heart.
I am happier with my new life,
Yet it was hard to leave the old and just depart.

Everything taken away from me,
The things left are ‘the ones that matter’
How I wish I could believe that,
How I wish the others didn’t scatter.

I want to forget the bad times
I want to move on and make the smiles real,
It’s such a long process ahead
Can’t I just snap my fingers and heal?

Lost so much, moved so many times,
Which place is home?
I thought I had it all,
Now I am just…alone.

Moving again, a new state
New job, new home, new life….
I hate change. I hate this.
I want to be somebody’s wife.

Brave, you say? Not quite.
“Not even close,” says a voice.
Moving from one place to another?
Big deal – I just don’t have a choice.

The voice is mine, of course.
Who else would it be?
I’m just doing what I have to.
You don’t agree?

I want to be happy,
I want to be free.
I just HAVE to do this…
Don’t you see?

I'm not brave -- I'm scared.
There, I said it.

Dreaming Of Closure

Last night I had a dream; they were all there. His mother, his father, his sisters, his brothers, their husbands and wives, even some nieces and nephews. I chased my ex around the room trying to get one word in edgewise. Ironically, that is what most of my marriage entailed. The truth is, my ex was never a husband. But I discovered that I wasn't as mad as him as I was at his family. Aside from the terrible things they did to me, items they stole, comments they made, rumors they spread... why was I treated as if I was some sort of criminal? Why did everyone drop me like a hot potato the minute we separated? Why didn't anyone see how terrible I was treated; how abused I was; what a good person I have always tried to be? Why did I feel like this was MY fault?

I yelled at his mother. "How dare you say you know we love you the last time you saw me. How dare you even shed one tear? How could you even take my hand and act like you care. Why is your family just one big lump of lies??" The rest of the family shook their heads in disagreement. They all rolled their eyes. His father stood up, big beard and all, and started cursing me out. Then they closed the doors on me. "NO!" I screamed. "You have to listen to me, you have to believe me, you can't keep acting like animals!" But the sliding doors closed in my face, and I was once again, left alone. I heard whispering, I heard laughing.

Then the doors opened. They all moved out of the way and his grandmother -- the only one I ever really loved from the family -- came into view. She looked regal; I thought I saw a faint smile together with the tears that escaped her eyes. I ran over to her, calling her name. At least her love had to be real. I prayed that it was. I studied the look on her face. "Please Hashem," I silently prayed. "I just want the world to know the truth. I want them to fess up."

But that never happened. I woke up in a sweat. My heart was beating fast. Then the truth sunk in: I will probably never get that. Nothing even remotely close to it.

Back In The Scene

Okay, so it's official. I'm back there. Dating - UGGGGHHHHH.

How do you guys do it? Only 3 guys, and I'm turned off already! Advice PLEASE.

I Miss My Harry Potter DVD's

Okay, so that may sound strange. But it's true. The other day I wanted to watch Harry Potter and I couldn't. Okay okay, so I may be a Harry Potter fanatic. And I may have seen the movies one too many times. But so what? I wanted to watch it, and I couldn't. So I figured, okay, I'll watch something else instead. Oh, but I couldn't do that either. Whoever has my DVD's....I hope you're enjoying them but not good that you stole. Not good at all. Sorry, fellow readers. I know I haven't posted in a while. And sorry for posting about something as dumb as Harry Potter but hey - it was on my mind tonight.