Voicemail Messages

I listened to my voicemail today, and these were some of the messages I had saved. I decided I needed to put them on my blog, with my interpretations right below. Whenever I'm feeling down, I must remember that although I no longer matter to one measly person, I matter so much to so many others, and THAT'S what really matters most.

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“Hi, it’s Jane from the psychology department. I’m just calling per Dr. Thompson’s request; we want to make sure you are coming to the awards and hooding ceremony tomorrow night because you are going to be receiving an award. Please call us back.”

I’m worthy. I’m not stupid; I’m smart. I’m receiving the department award!

“It’s Sarah; I’m trying to get hold of you…”

Wow, she’s thinking of me. I matter.

“Hey, it’s Yoseph. I’m just calling to say hello, see how you’re doing…”

So nice; he cares.

“Hi, it’s Andrea. I’m so worried about you and I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot but I don’t want to call every second because I know you’re going through so much and I want to give you some space. Just know I’m thinking of you and please call me because I want to get together. Hope you’re okay.”

She cares so much. I mean something to her. What a loyal friend.

“Giiiirl!!! You better call me, it’s crazy what’s going on with you!! I’m on my way to school, but I’m waiting for your call. You have me worried. Talk to you soon.”

What a solid friend. She is waiting for my call; she needs to know I’m okay. She cares so much!

“It’s Devora. I’m just calling to say hello; I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to call me back, just know I’m here for you.”

Wow, she doesn’t even need me to call her; she’s just letting me know I am in her thoughts. How special.

“You can’t send me a text message like that and not answer when I call. Please; listen to this message. Call me back. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to you.”

Reminds me of a time when I was hurting so badly, way at the beginning, and I wondered what the purpose was for living. ‘Why is this life worth living?’ I’d wonder. This message reminds me that so many people care for me, and that I am so much better off now than I was back then. I’m so lucky.

“It’s Dr. Stone. I am concerned about you and want to make sure you are doing okay. Please call me so we can catch up.

I’m so lucky. Even my professor cares and wants to make sure I’m okay. How many professors in college call their students like that? Why would I ever think I’m not worth anything? Look how much I am worth…
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These are just a few of the people who care for me. I am fortunate to have such loyal family and friends. Most importantly, they know me for me; nothing anyone else says will matter. “Whoever knows you,” they say, “loves you.”

From The Bottom Of My Heart...I Thank You.

To all of those who have been commenting on my blog....this one is for you:

Words cannot express my gratitude towards you,
This post, truly, is long overdue.

I am going through such hell; it’s so hard to endure,
If only there was some medicine to remove it; it’d be the magic cure.

Of course though, there is not, and I must keep chugging along
But knowing you care, and reading your posts, helps to keep me strong.

I doubt you even realize just what you do for me,
For you are merely complete strangers, reading a story!

Yet one thing I have learned, and this is known to be true
“Mi Ki’amcha Yisroel” – there is no one like the Jew.

Hashem should grant each one of you whatever you may need,
Health, happiness, the right zivug; at EVERYTHING you should succeed!

I honestly wish there was more I can say or do…
But please just know…that from the bottom of my heart…I thank you.

The Last Straw

Like a sharp blow
my rights were violated
one too many times.

A punch
in my stomach
A thump; it hurts.

Choking…
I feel like I’m choking…
I’m scared…
Gasping…
For…
Air…

The Downward Spiral

I smile…I laugh…I feel good…
I’m with my friends...I’m at work...I’m at school…
I’m confident…I’m poised…I’m secure….

But then….
Some stupid rumor…
Torment…
Hurt…
Anguish…
Misery…
Agony…
Suffering…

All it takes is just one thing…
just one thing..and then I’m falling…

down….

d
o
w
n…

d

o

w

n

into a downward spiral.

GIVE IT BACK!

G-d gave me a gift…
I’ve been using it for years.
From the time I was seven,
It’s been a way for me to switch gears.

For you see, when my hands hit the keys,
I entered a new place
I escaped from a scary world,
With such smiles on my face.

My hands would take over;
My heart would beat fast
So grateful; look what I can do!
Always, was there room to surpass…

Then we married,
I moved away,
No longer on those precious keys
Were my hands able to play.

I begged for years,
I needed it in my life
“Please” I would beg,
It was the only thing to get me through strife.

Then, it finally happened
On my graduation day;
I walked into the house…
“Happy graduation” I heard you say.

I burst into tears,
Into your arms I fell;
I grabbed you so tight,
My feelings began to swell.

But now. Look what you did.
You took it away, just to hurt.
You didn’t even care
How much torment you’d exert.

I WANT IT BACK.
Why won’t you give it to me?
Wasn’t it a gift?
For completing my degree?

I WANT IT BACK.
All you are is cruel
You knew what would get to me.
…you’re asking for this duel.

SMILE

I’ve been meaning to write this story for a while now; it occurred over succos.

Unfortunately, as you can all tell from my last few posts, I’ve been in pessimistic mode. (Embarrassing to admit, but it's obvious). :(

I do struggle with this daily. Is the cup half full, or is it half empty?

About one month ago, while at my parents in another state for Y”T, I was awfully stressed. It was weird to be home after almost six years of marriage, somehow feeling treated like I was a teenager once again. How does one deal with this? For six years, whatever decision I made was respected, and all the sudden, going through a divorce, I can be told what to do, when to do it, and how? I know my family loves and cares for me, but…….it’s still hard.

One day of Chol Ha’moed I hibernated in my room and turned on the music. Ironically, earlier that day I had gone with my family to do Tashlich, and although I felt a rush afterwards, coming home to absolutely nothing brought me right back down. I lay in bed for hours with the music playing, ignoring every family member’s attempts to cheer me up, get me to come down, or even answer their calls.

At one point, I heard the doorknob jiggle. “Go away.” I said.

No answer; just another rattling of the doorknob.

Frustrated, I got out of bed, and opened the door. As I was opening it, I started saying “I told you all to leave me alone……” but I stopped talking when I saw who was sitting on the floor, right outside my bedroom: my younger sister with down syndrome; my inspiration in life; the one person I look up to the most.

Immediately, I felt bad for being mean. But I didn’t say anything; I just stared at her, and she stared back with loving eyes. I left the door open, and went back to my bed. She got up and followed me, not uttering one single word.

I sat in silence; she stood in silence.

Then I noticed she had one hand behind her back. She reached forward, and placed her hand on my heart. I put my hand on hers, as we continued to stare at each other in silence. Then, she leaned forward, kissed my cheek, and walked out.

It was only after she left that I noticed…stuck to my chest was a sticker that said, “SMILE.”

I felt the tears form in my eyes, but immediately told myself to stop. She wanted me to smile, not cry. It was the least I could do for her.

That sticker is now stuck to my nightstand, and every morning, it’s one of the first things I see when I wake up. It makes me remember what a special sister I have, how much she means to me, but most of all, her one simple request: to SMILE.

The Story Of My Life

A good day comes,
But a bad day follows;
It is the story of my life.

I smile for a moment,
Then cry for an hour;
It is the story of my life.

I thank G-d for making things easy,
Then I realize just how hard they truly are;
It is the story of my life.

I close my eyes as a tear escapes,
And I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again;
It is the story of my life.

I wonder why so much bad
Happens to someone so good;
It is the story of my life.

The sun shines and I smile,
Then the sun sets and I get sad;
It is the story of my life.

I have so much to be thankful for,
But sometimes it’s so hard to remember;
It is the story of my life.

If only I could flip the pages,
Skip all the suffering,
And know that happy times are near.