My Mind At 6:00 AM...

Staying up all night is really tough. It really IS possible to think and worry so much, that you can't even go to sleep at all. I know, because it just happened to me. I tossed. I turned. I read. I turned on a DVD. But nothing. Just more worries, and more thinking. Finally, I logged into the computer. I IM'ed my friend in Israel and explained what was going on. Then, there it was, the pit in my stomach. Is it possible to develop an ulcer from so much stress? I wonder. As I explained the story, the feeling got worse. And then.... there it was. It happened. A tear formed and fell fast down my face, and landed on my shoulder. It felt heavy, like it was big and strong -- just like me, right? Everyone always tells me I'm so strong. I never used to believe them, but now I do. Anyways, the tear felt so heavy as it dropped on my shoulder. And then right away, another one fell. Then, before I knew it, they wouldn't stop. They fell and fell, I sobbed and sobbed. That brings me to this moment. Guess what. I'm not feeling any better. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. :-(

Get Through The Day...

Get through the day...get through the day...all I have to do is get through the day. Easier said than done, of course. But perhaps if I keep telling myself it'll be okay, it will. Get through the day, get through the day, all I have to do is get through the day.

Get through the day, so that when it's over, I can crawl into my bed...and just cry.

From Everything To Nothing

I've lived, and I've lost. My memories have jumbled into a cloud of sadness. While I try and maintain happiness, it always seems to be taken away. The last month I was happy. Really happy! Like, really REALLY happy! And now it's gone. I think I need to just start expecting these things to happen. It's all that I know.

Never Say Never

"No matter what," she said, "No one will ever love you like me."

"I'll never hurt you," he said.

"I'll never leave you," he said.

"We'll always help you," they said.

"You know we love you," they said.

"We'll never forget about you," they said.

"We'll never stop being there," they said.


But they were wrong. My ex-husband hurt me. He left me. My friends and family didn't always help. My ex-husband's family didn't love me. My friends forgot about me. They stopped being there.

She was the only one who kept her word. She told me this before I got married. I was infatuated with my ex-husband and I didn't believe her. But she was right. No one will ever love me like her.

That person is my mother.

Rejection

Rejection is the worst feeling in the world. I know, because I feel it on a regular basis.

I've never felt good enough for anything.

I couldn't even keep a marriage together.

I'm not good enough at work. It's more fun to push me around. I think they enjoy it.

Basically, I mean nothing. You'd think after all this time, I'd be immune to it all.

But I'm not.

It still hurts.

Badly.

All the time.

Now, I can't even date.

Will

it

ever

end?

Thanks To All, And A Whole Bunch Of Apples

To all my loyal readers:

I am sorry for not posting in a while. I am without a computer for the time being (needs to be hooked up after a move). I can't tell you all how many times I've wanted/needed/desperately wished I could blog but did not have the means to.

I have a few minutes now, and wanted to just thank you all for your emails, cares, concerns, and loyalty in keeping up to date with my blog. It means a lot to me.

Here's my thought of the day:

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along.... the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Have You Ever. . . . .

Have you ever wanted something so badly, it made your head spin...
... your bones ache,
... your heart hurt?

Have you ever missed someone so much, it made your stomach twist...
... your heart pound,
... your tears flow?

Have you ever felt so out of place, it made your pulse race...
... your mouth get dry,
... your eyes water?

Have you ever not understood why things happen so much, that it makes you want to scream?
... cry?
... hibernate?

Have you ever cared about something so much on one hand...
... yet on the other, not cared at all?

Have you ever wished? Wished so hard? Wished hard enough, that it made you....
feel...
so...
weak?